Five Aims: Help the Exercise Bike Fulfil its Life Purpose

Who can believe it’s week three of the school year already? Week three and the child hasn’t eaten one lunch. Not one bloody lunch that’s been slaved over. To save the hassle of cutting heart shaped sandwiches, let’s just fast forward to balling the lot into the corner of the lunch box, before impressing one set of teeth marks on an apple and consuming two-thirds of a cheese triangle avec tin foil. But I digress…

1) Do not become a School Run Nazi. Just because the windows aren’t rolled down does not mean it’s OK to roar obscenities like a fish wife. Four by four features is in your daughter’s school so chances are you’ll have to deal with her at some point. Still, if you insist on getting an off-road vehicle to drive two minutes down the road, at least LEARN TO FUCKING MANOEUVRE IT PROPERLY. AAARGH.

2) You got on the exercise bike/impromptu clothes horse one of the days last week for 10 minutes, and you felt quite good afterwards. How about you try that again. Like, this week… not next month/year.

3) Make a concerted effort to listen to this before you go to sleep. Take your own friggin’ unsolicited advice for once.

4) Understandably you’re tired now that half the household has the Back to School Sniffles, but you need to stop putting Snuffle Babe on the baby’s suppositories. One of these days, you won’t catch yourself in time and nobody will be a winner.

5) Keep breathing. And stop giving yourself shit over that gift you bought yourself. You’ve always wanted one and it was on sale and therefore a serendipitous sign. It’s not just Cheryl who’s fecking worth it, you know.

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