The ironic thing about attempting to manage a parenting blog is that you’re too busy parenting to manage said parenting blog… On the upside, I’ve also been busy getting actual work off the back of this blog, so I need to (try to) keep on top of it #ParentingMantra101
Below is an article I wrote for TheJournal.ie’s Family Magazine, so naturally, I’m rehashing it here as a time-saving measure.
YES, I’M AWARE that some will see this as a negative article, because the vast majority of the initial surprises that come with being a parent can be seen as bleak.
So I’ll start by noting that yes, of course, the positives outweigh any negatives. Tenfold.
Now that we’re all brimming with vigour (and coffee), let’s run through a few things any new parent will swiftly realise…
1. You do not know the meaning of the word “tired”
The first sign that you’re starting to comprehend the true meaning of “tired” is wanting to throttle anyone who says they feel “exhaaaaauussted” because they “only had 6 hours sleep last night”. You’ll spend the first six months either awake because the baby is awake, or awake because the baby isn’t awake.
2. The parenting guilt is incessant
This endless guilt begins very, very early on, but in later years will evolve to “I’m not spending enough time with them”, “I’m spending too much time with them, they need more playdates”, “I don’t have them enrolled in enough extracurricular activities”, “All they ate today was a Flump”… and so on.
3. The microwave will micromanage your life
When your best friend (coffee) goes cold, the microwave is your wingman. It’ll be there to give you that warm feeling inside by reheating your tea, coffee, frozen meals, last night’s dinner, tonight’s dinner, coffee, coffee, coffee…
4. Your life will turn to sh*te
Literally. “Has she done one yet? What was it like? Was it the consistency of toothpaste or more like a sheep produced it? If she hasn’t done one in over three days, do I worry?” Put it this way, the first thing you’ll usually ask of the nearest adult when you haven’t seen your infant in a couple of hours is “Did she do a poo?” and “What was it like?”
5. You will want to eat your new child
The urge to inhale their heads, while gnawing their ears and nibbling their cheeks is overpowering. The scientific term for this phenomenon is “cute aggression” and apparently it helps balance your brain. In short, your baby is SO ADORABLE to you, your brain needs to stop itself from being overwhelmed by cuteness, so it brings in an emotion to regulate itself, such as aggression. Nom.
There are another five points over on the Journal.ie, so feel free to pop on over there for the remainder, or hang around here for a barrage of Catholic guilt.